Thursday, May 4, 2017

The Case for Satan's Birthday



Every year, as late summer slowly turns into fall and winter; a national zeitgeist occurs. It seems that families in Boise and across the nation have hardly put away their Halloween costumes before those large, ominous lights slowly encompass the (literal and non-literal) landscape. It seems that “christmas time” comes earlier and earlier every year – with the uncompromising guarantee of unrelenting stress, material obligations and empty calories.

This year I’ll be celebrating something a little more unique than the birth of jesus on December 25; I’m celebrating satan’s birthday. Now, I’m sure I speak for most free thinkers when I don’t recognize satan as an actual being (horns, pitchforks, eternal damnation; that’s so middle ages….) Instead, I imagine satan as an analogy for human nature. Pleasure, luxury, idleness…..The antithesis of following outdated and questionable commandments that are at best a waste of park space and at worst a waste of tree. Figuratively, I imagine satan in the same way that Anton LaVey imagined satan; as an ultimate gentleman. “He’s the best friend the church has ever had,” said the notorious founder of the church of satan “he’s kept the church in business all these years.” And isn’t it about time we tipped our hats to this mascot of indulgence?

To the religious - christmas is about the acknowledgment of their savior; but in practice christmas is a supposed self-less time to share with thy neighbor (and of course thy department store Santa.) Christmas is about giving to charity, giving to your kids and giving of your time to work functions. When you boil it down, jesus’ birthday is nothing but a drain – physically, emotionally, financially (and if you believe in this kind of stuff) spiritually. Pretty lame all in all – and christmas is supposed to be a celebration? From here on out, I’m promoting a holiday for selfishness. A holiday that requires nothing but relaxation and the exploitation of our human nature. Giving of oneself is overrated and underappreciated; take some time off for yourself. Trust me; you need it more than you think you do.

So let the rest of the neighborhood waste their weekends putting up christmas lights, let your dopey friends spend their evenings at boring holiday parties - and feel free to spend your hard earned money on gifts for people that you don’t even like; but as for me, I’ll be spending this holiday season napping in the afternoons, cooking for myself in the evenings and wrapping my own presents for christmas morning….And I’m sure that I speak for Lucifer himself when I say that this is exactly the way that he would want his birthday celebrated; selfishly.

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