Thursday, May 4, 2017

Christian Rock is an Oxymoron

 The following op-ed was written by Mike Lee and was originally published in the Boise State University student Newspaper (The Arbiter) in the Fall of 2007.


First, let me clarify: there have been legitimately talented bands that performed good

"Christian rock" music; the Newsboys, Audio Adrenaline and Grammatrain

come instantly to mind. But my problem with Christian rock is less about the material

and more about the fundamentals. What is the message of Christian rock really sending –

because the entire scene confuses the shit out of me.


Confused Yet?

        The definition of a 'rock star' is one that is worshiped. Gangling, high school

boys don't begin playing guitars to express themselves;  they play guitars to get laid. The

concept behind a rock star is one that is elite; an individual that is successful. A good

rock star has marketability and appeals to various ages and sexes; a great rock star makes

every guy in the room want to be him, and every chick in the room want to fuck him.



OK, maybe not EVERY chick...


         In ancient times the Greeks and Romans worshiped their emperors as gods in

human form and prayed to pictures and statues of their protectors. Various Native

American tribes celebrated harvests to deities and waged wars in the name of

divine conquest. Muslims make pilgrimages to their holy lands and pray

facing Mecca daily. Our society worships actors, musicians, artists and politicians like

they were present day gods. We buy posters of rock bands, visit home towns of

politicians, purchase movies from our favorite actors and directors; and then melt if we

get a chance to meet our personal favorite. It's all just good old-fashioned idol worship; no matter

how you look at it.


And just try to not look at it too hard

           So how the hell is a ‘Christian rock star’ (who's job it is to be worshiped) supposed to

somehow try and convince his audience that its actually Jesus that deserves all of the praise and

attention? How does a female rock star NOT use her sex-appeal to sell records? What’s the idea

behind even starting a Christian rock band? The idea of being a Christian is to worship Jesus, the

idea of being in a popular band is to BE worshiped. Everyone knows that musicians have notoriously

small penis's; and rock stardom is just a way to compensate for what they lack in their pants.



Unless you're David Bowie and you can smuggle a Muppet in your pants


Fundamentally, rock and roll is about rebellion. Sticking it to the man, bucking

parental authority, casual sex...after all it was music, film and art that conceived the

free thought of the 60's. Rock music has been for its audience an outlet for anger, and a

way to celebrate change. So where in the hell did someone get the idea to use rock music

to sing about how much Jesus loves us? Great business move....but the concept is

absolutely ridiculous.


   We're so angry right now that we're going to Praise Jesus

            
           How does a Christian rock star decide how much money to spend on designer

stage clothes verses donating money to hungry kids in third-world countries? How does

a Christian rock star justify a $500,000 light show and pyrotechnics for his national tour?

What’s the fun of being in a band if you can't bang groupies, trash hotel rooms and

indulge on heroin binges while on tour? How do you even classify yourself as a "rock star"

if you aren't living that excessive lifestyle? Answer: Not a Very good Rock Star.




                                                 Pictured. Not a Very good Rock Star


           So lets figure, a good rock star has a magnetic personality, and appearance. A

good rock star has selling power - a dynamic presence and marketability. A good rock

star can challenge the minds of his public through the consistent evolution of his art. A

good rock star can convince his audience to support his personal causes and to buy lots

and lots of merchandise. 


                               Undoubtedly Jesus was the greatest rock star that ever lived.


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