Friday, May 5, 2017

10 Crazy Things you Didn't Know about Islam and Muhammad

Muslims are like the Mormons of the Middle East; both religions are growing internationally and at an exponential rate. Both religions supplement the original Jewish Bible with new “testaments” of salvation. And of course, both religions believe in a non-corruptible (but ultimately human) prophet. Let’s take a few minutes and critically examine Muhammad- the “Joseph Smith” of the desert.

10. Muhammad’s Mystic Letters

Can you imagine putting the time and energy into writing a book – and then having random letters spread throughout your text that apparently mean nothing? Muhammad actually did this at the beginning of 29 of his Surahs (or chapters) in the “Holy” Koran. (Although Muhammad technically didn’t write the Koran himself– he did dictate the text through supposed “inspired and divine revelations.” More on that later.) Theories abound that these strange letters are abbreviations for deeper, mystical meanings that only Muhammad could have explained. So at this point, all we can ponder is how any person in their right mind could strap a bomb and detonate themselves –solely in the name of a book that’s littered with random.

In hindsight, I wish more people would give their lives for stupid books

9. Muhammad Loves Sneezing, but Hates Yawning

The Sunni version of Islamic faith is much more fundamentalist than traditional Islam. (Think female circumcision.) According to the Sunni’s, Muhammad is quoted as saying:

“Allah loves sneezing but dislikes yawning; so if anyone of you sneezes and then praises Allah, every muslim who hears him (praising Allah) has to say Tashmit to him.”

Why would the creator of the universe care about humans sneezing? Noses are good for 2 things; punching and doing blow through them. You’d be hard pressed to find ANYONE who actually enjoys sneezing.

“But as regards yawning, it is from Satan, so if one of you yawns, he should try his best to stop it, for when anyone of you yawns, Satan laughs at him."

If Muhammad hated yawning so much, I would have challenged him to write a more interesting book. Perhaps a romance novel?

Personally, I prefer any genre as opposed to the fiction that is the Koran

8. Muhammad doesn’t like dogs

Typically, Muslims view dogs as unclean and only useful for work purposes (hunting and guarding.) Muhammad has actually been quoted as saying black dogs are evil, and that they are devils in animal form. Muhammad also commanded that dogs were not to be exchanged or sold amongst fellow Muslims.

 “If you keep barking – I’m going to behead you”

Recently, Muhammad’s (puppy) intolerance has led to interesting issues in modern day Europe. Muslim cab drivers have disallowed blind patrons with seeing eye dogs’ entry into their vehicles. Islamic restaurant owners have refused service to vision-impaired guests with canine assistants. Just like grandpa, 2000 years later, Muhammad is still embarrassing those closest to him.

 So if a dog was to commit suicide in the name of Islam, does it wake up with 40 human virgins or 40 doggy virgins?

7. Muhammad and the Jews

Starting a religion in the Middle East around 500 AD, isn’t easy. Muhammad had his work cut out for him battling the growing cult of Christianity – but his strangest relationship was with the Jews.

“I don’t care about the tourism; we need to shut these beaches down now!!!”

 Muhammad’s strained experiences with the Jews plays like the on-again, off-again relationship you had with your high school girlfriend. When needed, Muhammad would pray in the direction of Jerusalem as a way to pander to the Jews who were a majority in a specific region. But as soon as the number of Muslims outgrew the Jews; Muhammad would get aggressive with his Israeli neighbors. (The most famous of these vendettas ended at Banu Qurayza, where he beheaded over 600 surrendered Jewish men- then sold the surviving women and children into slavery.)

Somehow, Jesus throwing a temper tantrum at the synagogue pales in comparison to Muhammad’s resume of hate

6. Drawing Muhammad

 Although the Koran never specifically condemns the depiction of Muhammad, hadiths (or laws based off of Muslim tradition) certainly do. The underlying philosophy is that portraying Muhammad can lead to symbol worship and idolatry in the Islamic faith. It’s an understandable slippery slope, because once you start drawing the prophet of Islam – it won’t be long until you’re getting prison-tattoos of Muhammad on your neck.

 Why does Jesus look so stoned?

Ironically, the Muslims seem more concerned about threatening, rioting and murdering in the name of saving the face of their prophet….But if portraying him is so offensive – why do Muslims not take issue with naming almost every male child after Muhammad? Doesn’t that seem more of an insult – especially if your son grows up to be a disappointment? Really now, how many people named “Buddah,” “Moses,” or “Krishna” have you ever met? Been in a cab? Chances are, you’ve met a Muhammad.

OK, maybe not every cab driver is named Muhammad…

5. Muhammad’s Questionable Sexual Relationships

 Where to begin on this one? Should we start with his first marriage to a woman 15 years his senior? No, let’s start with the polygamy he practiced with 11 wives- most of them arranged to secure tactical advantages over political/religious enemies. Scratch that – let’s talk about him marrying a 6 year old and consummating (yes, having sex) with her when she was 9.

Pumpkins, not included in the dowry

One of the classic stories of Muhammad (and his lust for strange) centers around his cousin Zaynab. Now Zaynab was already married to Muhammad’s adopted son Zayd (this would make Muhammad both cousin and brother-in-law to Zaynab.)

One day, Muhammad walks in on Zaynab naked – and Muhammad gets all hot and bothered for her. Ironically right after this, Allah speaks to Muhammad and tells him that Zayd should divorce Zaynab – and allow Muhammad to make Zaynab his 5th wife. Zayd, who apparently loves Muhammad more than his wife, agrees to divorce Zaynab – and Muhammad and Zaynab live happily ever after. Don’t you just love happy endings?

Happy Endings; the gift that keeps on giving…

4. The Satanic Verses

As mentioned before, starting a religion can sometimes be a difficult business. It’s easy to lose focus on your long term goals with all the stress of converting the masses and putting all your theologies into standard practice. But to be successful in the “new religion” game– you really have to be motivated, creative and most important; organized.

 If only Charles Manson had a better secretary, John Travolta and Tom Cruise would have been defending this guy

Attempting to bridge the theological gap between Islam and the early Meccans pagan beliefs, Muhammad actually conceded his monotheism for a short period of time. Muhammad told the Meccans that the 3 goddesses they worshiped were recognized as legitimate deities in Islam as well – this of course being a futile attempt to gradually convert the Meccans into Islam.  After Muhammad was called on his multi-god bullshit, he claimed that it was actually Satan who had deceived him into comparing Allah to the 3 goddesses. In an attempt to rectify the Muslim position – Muhammad went right back to insulting the goddesses and antagonizing the Meccans until he was run out of town after unsuccessful attempts on his life.

Get out of here, or we will taunt you a three-hundredth time

3. Muhammad writes the Koran (sort-of)

There are several issues regarding Muhammad and his supposed “authorship” of the Koran. First off, most Muslims agree that Muhammad was illiterate. (This may not be an issue to some, since Muhammad verbally shared his revelations.)

But what about the original translation of the Koran being written without vowels? There’s also the little story about Caliph Utham (essentially one of the first “popes” of Islam) who literally burned all variations of the Koran that existed up until his reign.  But who’s to say that Utham’s version of the Koran was the correct one?

 Mis-translations can be a bitch sometimes…

When receiving his “divine revelations,” Muhammad would supposedly fall into epileptic seizures. Since Muhammad was unable to read or write, the story goes that Allah would dictate to his angel Gabriel, who in turn would whisper to Muhammad whatever God was trying to tell him. Muhammad would then relay the message to anyone around him who was able to write; this person would then document the context of the revelation that Muhammad was at that moment receiving. Doesn’t this all sound like a rather inefficient way for God to write a book? Seems more like a supernatural game of telephone than anything else….

 Hello? Yeah, dads not in right now…he’s out scoping for virgins again

2. Muhammad was Suicidal

 Christians love to flaunt their gaudy “WWJD” bracelets. Unfortunately for the Muslims, when you’re under pressure and think – “what would Muhammad do” – the answer usually ends with “Muhammad would threaten to kill himself.”

Fonzie would strap on his skis and jump the shark – duh

 The story goes that when Muhammad first began receiving his revelations from Allah – his concerns weren’t about securing merchandising rights and justifying his personal interests in polygamy. An overly-stressed Muhammad is quoted as threatening to “hurl himself off a mountain crag, kill himself and find relief.” The second time Muhammad became suicidal was when the angel Gabriel (his muse) hit a case of writers block. In an irony too obvious to point out – Muhammad threatens to throw himself off a cliff – this time BECAUSE he hasn’t been receiving revelations from Allah. Mental instability? Let’s ask our panel of judges.

Nope, he seems fine to us…

1.Muhammed and Islamic prayer

The famous story of Muhammadas “night journey” involves flying donkeys, a tour of heaven and insightful conversations with Abraham and Jesus. Basically, a regular Thursday night with enough Nyquil.

I picked a hell of a week to apostate

Once in heaven, Muhammad is instructed that the Muslims are now required to pray 50 times a day to Allah. After some LOLZ (and a hilarious intervention from Moses) – Muhammad gets the number reduced to 5 prayers a day. (Proving that Allah is the most insecure God and definitely has the smallest penis.) 

 Of course it’s the Muslims, who are once again stuck with an arcane and embarrassing God...a God who seems easily talked out of 50 prayers a day by an illiterate and misogynist prophet.

Wait, did somebody say profit?

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