CHRISTIAN ROCK IS AN OXYMORON
by Mike Lee
First, let me clarify that there have been some legitimately talented bands that have performed decent "christian rock." But my problems with christian rock are less about the material/artist and more about the ridiculous concept of "head banging for jesus." What is the intent and message of the christian rock industry – because what they end up creating just confuses the shit out of me.
The definition of a 'rock star' is one that is worshiped. Gangly, high school boys don't start playing guitars to express themselves; they start bands to get pussy. The concept behind a rock star is one that is elite; an individual that's wildly successful. A good rock star has marketability and appeals to various ages and sexes; a great rock star makes every guy in the room want to be him, and every chick in the room want to fuck him.
OK, chicks probably don't want to fuck every rock star
In ancient times the Greeks and Romans worshiped their emperors as gods in human form and prayed to pictures and statues of their protectors. Native American tribes celebrated harvests to deities annually to celebrate the changing of seasons. Muslims make pilgrimages to their holy lands and pray facing Mecca daily. Our society worships actors, musicians, artists and politicians like they were present day gods. We buy posters of rock bands, visit home towns of actors, purchase movies from our favorite fictional characters and directors; and then melt if we get a chance for an autograph. Its all idol worship anyway you look at it.
And anyway you look at it, you won't ever be able to un-see this picture of Billy Idol
So how the hell is a christian rock star (who's job it is to be worshiped) supposed to convince his audience that it's actually jesus that deserves all of this praise, attention (and groupies?) How does a female rock star NOT use her sex-appeal to sell records? What’s the motivation behind even starting a christian rock band if you can't enjoy the benefits of being successful? The idea of being a christian is to worship jesus; the idea of being in a band is to BE worshiped. Everyone knows that musicians have notoriously small penis's; the rock stardom is just compensation for what they lack in their pants.
Unless you're David Bowie and you can smuggle a Hoggle in your pants
Fundamentally, rock and roll is about rebellion. Sticking it to the man, bucking parental authority, cranking your amps to 11.......after all it was the music, film and art that conceived the free thought of the 60's. Rock music has been for its audience an outlet of anger and a way to celebrate change. So where in the fuck does someone get the idea to use rock music to sing about how much jesus loves us? Great business move....but the concept is absolutely ridiculous.
We're so angry right now that we're going to praise jesus
How does a christian rock star decide how much money to spend on designer stage wear, verses donating money to needy children in third-world countries? How does a christian rock star justify a $35,000 light show and pyrotechnics for his national tour? What’s the fun of being in a band if you can't bang groupies, trash hotel rooms and indulge in heroin binges while on tour? How do you even classify yourself as a 'rock star' if you aren't living an excessive lifestyle? Answer: Not a very good rock star.
Pictured: Not a very good Rock Star
So lets see, a good rock star has a magnetic personality and appearance. A good rock star has selling power - a dynamic presence and marketability. A good rock star can challenge the minds of his public through the consistent evolution of his art. A good rock star can convince his audience to support any personal cause and to buy lots and lots of merchandise.
Undoubtedly jesus was the greatest rock star that ever lived